Two Boys in a Balcony

OH YOU THOUGHT WE WERE DEAD? Well nobody told us! That's right folks for exactly one week only your 7th favorite podcast that you listen to strictly out of obligation is back to discuss the forthcoming Academy Awards. It's Hollywood's biggest night and for you this episode might be your biggest fright! That's right! There's a Three Men in a Baby ghost in this one! Marvel as Sean mispronounces almost every nominee's name! You'll be dazed as Bill attempts to pronounce the name of his favorite movie! You'll swoon as Will realizes what a horrible mistake he's made associating with two elderly morons! It's fun! The Balcony will be back Summertime 2005 with half a face iron (the other half look like alien science) 

Folks, the Balcony is closed for a little bit so enjoy a couple of weeks of goldie oldies and then we'll be back with Gandhi eventually!

Gobble, gobble, you flippin Puritans. It's the busiest travel day of the year and the Balcony Boys have got you covered with a turkey that even the most benevolent of US Presidents couldn't pardon. Yes, friends, it's time we travel all the way back to 1952 and take a look at Plymouth Adventure, a film that can only be described as "completely inaccurate" and "very boring." Sexier than the reenactors at Plimoth Plantation but not as sexy as anything that can be described as sexy, Plymouth Adventure tells the tale of all the drunken horniness that accompanied the Pilgrims (and others) on that fateful sex romp across the Atlantic on the Mayflower. Don't watch this film this film in mixed company because your company will fall fast asleep. Plymouth Adventure stars Spencer Tracy and a bunch of dorks dressed like nerds. Happy Thanksgiving from our balcony to yours! Black Friday sale happening right now. Go to any ecommerce site and use offer code "Balcony19" to see if that saves you any money!

Hark weary time traveler! We're taking a couple weeks off cause we're exceptionally lazy! So enjoy the VVitch this week and some other shit next week and then we'll be back for Gandhi someday!

Do you want to live.... balcony-ly? Boys and girls, grab your pitchforks and your other things that you carry on a witch hunt cause we found the 2015 trip into madness, the Witch! Robert Eggers, you crazy for this one. Join the screen debut probably of the world's greatest living actor, Harvey Scrimshaw and travel to just outside old Plimoth Colony where a bunch of super puritans run into a nasty little goat and his coven of witches. Maybe? There's almost no way to know if we understood this beautiful little movie but we sure did watch it! The Witch stars an old faced English man, an old faced English woman, an old faced English girl, an old faced English boy, the twins from the Shining and BBBBBBBBBBBLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK Philip.

Welp folks, all good things must eventually wither and die and just like the sands in an hourglass, this tv show, like all tv shows, sucks ass. It's a movie podcast and we're in the middle of spooky movie month so what better way to wrap up Boo Englund 4: The Final Chapter than with a three hour TELEVISION mini-series. It's profoundly boring for 2 hours and 30 minutes but boy howdy do the remaining 15 minutes sprinkled across this thing rip. Rest in Pieces (a movie we should have just done another episode on). It's Salem's Lot. Bye. 

Pay know attention to the man riffing alone for upwards of 7 minutes and definitely don't go down in the basement because this week the Balcony is the only safe place in the House by the Cemetery, another Boo Englund classic that we maybe should have thought more about before watching because it's not very good is it? Anyway. Enjoy!

What's scarier than being super horny? Nothing if you ask me, the guy writing this. It's a sinful pastime and should be discussed with pastor asap. It's Two Boys in  a Balcony and we're talking what might be the horniest horror comedy of all time, the Witches of Eastwick, a film in which three of the most beautiful women of all time all supernaturally fight over who gets to bang Jack Nicholson. Tough life, Jack. It's week two of Boo Englund 4: the Final Chapter!

Friends, family, lovers, we gather here today to lay to rest Two Boys In A Balcony, the award watching, formerly New England film podcast and its two hosts, Bill McMorrow and Sean Sullivan, and we welcome back from the grave Thrill McMorgue-o and Halloween Sean Sullivan as Boo Englund returns for it's fourth and final chapter! That's right! It's Boo Englund 4: The Final Chapter and we're kicking things off with Ghost Sean's first selection, the awesomely titled and mediocrely movied 1971 film, Let's Scare Jessica to Death! It's neither scary nor (spoilers) does Jessica die! Why did he pick it? BECAUSE FRANKENSEAN (there it is) SKULLIVAN (holy shit folks we did it!) is a deranged maniac! So join Thrill McMorgue-o and Frankesean Skullivan as we say goodbye to Oscar and say hello to the Scary Oscars!

Run, don't walk, to the exit of any place where you might be forced to watch one second of this week's film, Chariots of Fire, a movie so boring, I'm refusing to write another word about it. 

You can take your outerspace superhero race car movies and shove'em up your butt cause this week we've got a film that's just about ordinary people... ordinary people at the top of their tax bracket.... ordinary people in an impossibly large house that somehow doesn't have a swimming pool or maybe it did I didn't notice THIS FILM IS ABOUT THE PERFORMANCES. In 1980, American stud Rob Redford picked up a camera, winked at it, and said, "I reckon I could win best picture with one of these" and history was made. Wow. What a great piece of film journalism. You didn't know that because you can barely read. When God was handing out brains, you were like, "duh i don't need one of those" and then babbled your lips with your index finger like a big diaper wearing baby. You're basically as smart as a smart dog compared to me, a guy as smart as ten smart dogs. You're ordinary people and I'm extraordinary people. We are not the same. Sincerley, Bill McMorrow the person who wrote that you are as smart as a smart dog.

Balcony Vs. Basement. Godzilla Vs. Kong. Ecks Vs. Sever. Kenny Vs. Spenny. Spy Vs. Spy. Results Vs. Expectations. Sullivan Vs. McMorrow. Kramer Vs. Kramer. 

It's the compendium to our old Deer Hunter episode where we talk about the other nominees. It's the first half of the podcast without the second half of the podcast cause that was already a podcast! Do you understand? We don't talk about the Deer Hunter very much in this episode titled the Deer Hunter because we already did the Deer Hunter during Cazalentine's 2021. It's pretty simple. Don't be so thick. 

If only we knew then what we knew now, I wouldn't have to write up a write-up for Woody Allen's Annie Hall. Maybe I'd be writing a write-up about Star Wars... oh Star Wars... you ever hear of this thing Star Wars? Nominated for Best Picture at the 51st Academy Awards, Star Wars tells the epic tale of a young farmhand ripped by fate from his quiet life of skyhopping womp rats into a tale of intergalactic intrigue and politics, meeting wondrous creatures and friends along the way. Good movie, Star Wars. One of the best! Anyway, Annie Hall is about how a guy doesn't want to have sex with a hot lady cause she's too cool. We have different priorities, you and I, and that's fine. 

IN THIS CORNER.... WEIGHING 165 POUNDS... THE 2022 FUNNIEST PERSON IN MASSACHUSETTS... THE REASON FOR THE SEASON... BIG DADDY LAUGH.... FROM COMEDY CENTRAL.... MISTER SEAN SULLVAN FROM TELEVISION! And his opponent coming in at 115 pounds with no muscle tone and pecs... an absolute plucked chicken.... he will surely die in the ring tonight... 1987 HOT WING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD RECORD PENDING... Bill. Anyway. Bill can write these if he wants. He can even edit them before he posts them to instagram but I'll be honest, I don't know if he can read. We love him anyway! Rest in Power!

Cuckoo cuckoo! That's right, friends! It's time once again for the Balcony to fly over the cuckoo's nest all the way to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, the 1975 mental asylum comedy drama extravaganza! All the pug ugly character actors that still crushed an unconscionable amount of ass are on full display! It's a character actor buffet. Plus we talk about what's possibly the best lineup of movies we've ever covered in the awards era of the Balcony. Any of them could have except Barry Lyndon!

Well well well look it is. Our ooooold friend the Godfather colon part two. Yup. That's right. Once again dedicating February 2021 to the late, great John Cazale has finally paid off because for the second time in three weeks, Sean didn't have to rewatch the movie! The Godfather colon part two is incredible but it's long and there's so many other movies to see and we talk about them and more this week in the Balcony. 

What's good, rummy? It's old timey days in the Balcony today so 23 skidooo or whatever the hell... it's the greatest con of all... TWO BOYS IN A BALCONY TALKING ABOUT THE STING! It's the second of two Redford/Newman collabs and the only one to win the big dawg award for biggest dawgs in dawgville. It's a fun one today probably we hope. Godspeed and good riddance or something nicer. I hate writing these. 

Hey gang. Look. We did the Godather way back in Cazalentine's 2021. So we reposted that episode. But we really wanted to talk about Cabaret and Deliverance and also two other movies I can't remember right now. But i'm sure they're good. They were nominated for best picture. When was the last time a bad movie ever got nominated for Best Picutre, Joker?

Bond with a snail and punch a mime cause it's the French Connection!

Hey there! It's me, Sean, from the future, bringing you an episode from the past! We were supposed to record an episode about the best picture winning film, the French Connection, but everything feels bad right now and talking about one of the worst cops of all time didn't sound like it was going to make us feel any better about anything so here's an old episode on the movie the Cider House Rules. We don't have a patreon but if you wanted to throw a couple bucks to the Eastern Massachusetts Abortion Fund at https://emafund.org/ that seems like a good thing you could do. 

Gather round, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England, you fakers of medical degress, you cuckolds of vets... it's the Cider House Rules today in the Balcony. What business are you in? Cause we're in the watching movies and then talking about the movies biz and boy howdy have we got a movie that we watched and want to talk about. Nominated for more Academy Awards than anybody could justify 20 years later, we tackle all the hardest hitting questions one could have from watching this film such as who is Sean's best friend? Why it's your friendly neighborhood apple picker. Too bad Tobey Maguire didn't have his organic web shooters yet cause that would have made picking apples so much more efficient, we could have avoided an entire incest subplot. The Cider House Rules stars Tobey Maguire, Charlize Theron, Michael Caine, Roman Roy, Delroy Lindo, a bucket of apples and mostly Paul Rudd.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOONNNNNN AT EASE ABOUT FACE Ladies and gentlemen, we didn't lose the episode this time! It's Patton! A movie about a dick who won a war or something. George C Scott seems like a pill and George S Patton seems like a psycho but God Bless them both because we got to watch fake tanks fight! It's Patton! Patton on the Ritz! If anybody wants to write these, please email me your episode descriptions to seans272@gmail.com and also money

Well, I'm packin up my game and I'ma head out west, where real women come equipped wit' scripts and fake breasts. Find a nest in the hills, chill like flynt. Buy an old drop-top, find a spot to pimp. Then I'ma Two Boys in a Balcony-it up and down ya' block, With a bottle of scotch and watch lotsa crotch. Buy a yacht with a flag sayin' "chillin' the most." Then rock that bitch up and down the coast. 

Yee-haw motherfathers! This week on the Balcony, we're talking scumbag classic Midnight Cowboy, the only X-rated film to ever win Best Picture and boy howdy is it scummy? I don't know about this one. You're telling me a cowboy is gonna midnight? Come on. Anywho grab a bus ticket to Florida and cuddle a corpse cause it's Two Boys in a Balcony. 

Why should I worry? Why should I caaaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaare? I hope when Billy Joel drove through the front of your house, he didn't damage your dad's Hi-Fi because this week on the Balcony the boys have gone to the dogs? That's right! We watched the 1988 Disney classic(?) Oliver and Company which incredibly was named the Best Picture of 1968 at the 1969 Academy Awards! Confused? Need me to draw you a map? It's not going to help solve the very simple comedic confusion I've introduced but it will lead you to the help you need. You're going to need supplies. Do you have a fanny pack? Yes? Throw it away. Where we're going, everything needs to be contained within the body cavity. Don't walk away. The future of the past depends on your actions right here in the present.... where are you going? 

Sure they call it In the Heat of the Night but an awful lot of it takes place in the heat of the day! That's funny! Yo it's the Balcony Boys and we're here once again to discuss the 40th film to be named Best Picture by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences but more than that, we're talking about one of the most important years in cinematic history! What? That's right, punks! Golden Hollywood is fading away and New Hollywood is stepping up to change everything. It's a good one, folks!

Hark! Ho! Herald! Hear ye, hear ye! The Lord Majesty, Henry 8, needs some new strange and only one man stands in his way and that man's name is A Man For All Seasons. That's right! It's the movie that won best picture at the 39th Academy Awards and that the Boys Balcony watched.... ALL THE WAY THROUGH! Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall, all you have to do is call up your favorite podcast app and stick in your favorite ear buds or headphones. We don't tell you how to live. Enjoy or don't. Again. You have free will. Look around you. You can change! All it takes is one step!

The hiiiiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive with sound of balcony! LOL What? That's right! The Boys are finally back to talking about a movie that almost everybody has seen except for Sean who had not seen it! It's the Sound of Music, the timeless cherised classic masterpiece that tells the story of a sexy nun who hangs out with other sexy nuns until she becomes the music teacher to a bunch of kids and starts a world war 2. Also there is a goat puppet show that makes no sense. O ho lay dee odl lee o, lay dee odl lee o lay! It's a fun one so gather up the family, explain to them why you have to excuse yourself for an hour, and hop into your big boy hammock and have yourself a siesta. You've earned it! And while you're resting, why not take this new episode of America's Dumbest Film Critics Critiquing the 20th Century Masterworks of Cinema for a spin!

hey folks. Look. We really did try to record a new episode this week but when Sean got to Bill’s, his laptop decided that was the time to do a one hour update. then, and this is 100 percent truth (we have the local facebook group screenshots to prove it) the entire town of Whitman MA last power just as Sean had finished getting everything ready. I wish I was joking because it was freaky. Anyway here’s an old one about a Disney movie about ducks that are not mighty nor Donald.

Quack! Quack! The Balcony Boys are back and I'm starting this boys might have some sort of psychological disorder because they can find the horny in a movie that's about a man trying to buy a lake to save geese. It's the 1965 Disney classic(?) Those Calloways... which Calloways? Those Calloways. If you've never heard of this sober meditation on fur trapping and alcoholism than you are what THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA calls "every person that has ever lived." We still don't know how Bill stumbled upon this but when he's in one of his moods and starts cruising Disney+, watch the hell out! Those Calloways stars the dad from the Parent Trap, the second lady from Psycho, 15 indistinguishable old white guys, and a lovely young lady named Birdie or Bridie! Nobody knows!

The boys are back in town (the boys are back in town)! That's right! Rip down the caution tape! Mop up the chalk outlines! The Balcony is back open for business and boy howdy do we have an episode for you! The golden years of Hollywood are thank friggin christ drawing to a close and the 70s are right there... right there! It's just a few more weeks of goofy, big budget bullshit and then it's Midnight Cowboy times. But that's five years away. Right now, we need to visit the first of three musicals that win best picture in the middle 60s and we're doing it in high style with a movie that looks better than it is and sounds better than it should, My Fair Lady, the timeless tell of a groomer grooming a girl in a very literal sense (they wash her... more than once). It's full of songs only your parents could love and costumes that are admittedly extravagant. It's just there. Sean likes it enough. Bill doesn't. I don't know what to tell you. We're rusty and it's free. Go listen to Pod Save America or something you namby pamby babies. 

Last rerun unless we fuck up again next week!

It's the swing dinging 60s! yeah baby! Do I make you horny? Behave. This week in the Balcony, the boys are diving headfirst into a movie that they are too dumb to love so much but love, love they do. It's Mike Nichols's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and down boy down. Everybody is hot and bothered. Sorry the episode went up late. Sean got that moderna good good yesterday and has been an absolute force to be reckoned with. WATCH OUT FOLKS! THE BALCONY IS ALMOST 100% VACCINATED AND WE'RE TAKING NAMES. WE WILL SMITE OUR ENEMIES!

It's sweeps month in the Balcony apparently! Because of a combination of allergies, travel, and general incompetence, the Boys are having to throw up some classic Balcony eps for the next couple weeks. But fear not... we'll be back with My Fair Lady soon enough! God Bless!

Unswamp that canoe cause the Balcony boys packed a picnic and they're headed to the richest body a water this side of the Mississippi that is also in New Hampshire, On Golden Pond or maybe Golden Pond. Is the "On" part of the name of the pond or just the movie? These and other questions won't be answered within the confines of this particular podcast but Sean will sing a "very funny" parody of Lil Nas X's "Old Town Road" and Bill will not know who Lil Nas X is.... and you know what? Maybe neither will you if you're listening in the distant future... so here's a refresher: "Montero Lamar Hill, known professionally as Lil Nas X, is an American rapper, singer, and songwriter. He came to international attention for his country rap breakout single "Old Town Road," which achieved viral popularity on the video sharing app TikTok in early 2019."  Wait... what the fuck is TikTok? "TikTok, also known as Douyin in Chinas, is a popular social media app that allows user to watch, create, and share 15-second videos shot on cellphones..." So TikTok is just long Vine? This world has passed us by but don't let this episode pass you by.  On Golden Pond stars Henry Fonda, Katherine Hepburn, Jane Fonda, Dabney Coleman, a distressing amount of youthful punks, a wacky mailman, and a pond made of Gold. Rate, Review, Subscribe, Canoe, Love.

Sean feels like shit. Here's an oldie: 

This week we reach 50 episodes which can only mean one thing: corporate buy-out time! That's right! Two Boys in a Balcony has been officially purchased by Turner Broadcasting Services which means we finally get to talk about the most watched program in the history of TNT... no not Franklin and Basch... no not Rizzoli and Isles.... we're talking about the motherfucking SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION SONS AND DAUGHTERS! It's your dad's favorite prison drama if your dad watched TV on a rainy saturday afternoon when he couldn't mow the lawn. I'm sorry. It turns out Turner did not purchase our podcast. That was just an advertising email I received in 2008 about a new season of Rizzoli and Franklin. The Shawshank Redemption stars Tim Robins, Morgan Freeman, and Elmo

It's not unusual for the Balcony Boys to have a hard time paying attention to a stuffy boring English movie

It's not unusual for the Balcony Boys to get distracted by slaps heard round the world 

It's not unusual for the Balcony Boys to run out of steam within the first three lines of a VERY good song parody. 

It's Tom Jones day here in the Balcony and what a weird moving picture do we have for you today. It's the John the Baptist announcing the arrival of New Hollywood but still being like we can only tell lame ass stories about the aristocratic class. I don't know. It's a rough one and I hope there's some funny. Big shouts to New England film Best Picture Winner Coda... we'll see you... in 59 weeks (give or take a Boo Englund or two or three)

It's a real special edition of Two Boys in a Balcony as America's Dumbest Film Critics, Bill and Sean, are joined by an actual young person with thoughtful, articulate critiques and reviews of the art of cinema who doesn't think Lawrence of Arabia is "too fucking long" or "stupid." That's right! It's actor, comedian, raconteur, man with the lumberjack hands, Will Martin! Will stops by the balcony to discuss the 2022 Academy Awards nominees as we gear up for the big game on Sunday night! It's the Super Bowl of Film except without a lot of the excitement, suspense, and drama of football because we've just gone through two months of precursor awards that make the winners on Sunday somewhat inevitable to us (film journalists) but maybe not to you (regular normals). Will Sean stick to his guns and go with West Side Story down the line? Will Will make a very moving defense of Licorice Pizza that will get shot down by two fat old guys going, "He's a child" over and over like Mark Ruffalo in Spotlight? Will Bill prove that he has any range as an actor and cast aside his Boston accent to try and sound like he's from Minnesota? All of these questions and more will be answered over a very chaotic and potentially unlistenable two hours! Enjoy!

Here's the god's honest truth straight from the mouth of your boy Seanald Sillyman. When the Boys, Balcony sit down to watch one of these Best Picture winners, we try to go in with as few expectations as possible. We want to give these pictures a fair shake. We're America's Dumbest Film Critics and if we can't  objectively evaluate these Best Picture winners, do we even deserve those titles? So it is with a heavy heart that we announce if while following the simple mathematical concept know to layman as "rounding up" your movie clocks in at FOUR FUCKING HOURS, then you, dear film, have to earn that runtime and frankly, Lawrence of Arabia, a film that many people consider one of the greatest of all time, does not meet the high, high standards of the Boys in the Balcony. That's right, folks. Lawrence of Arabia is a classic Boondock Saints, a film that we can understand people enjoying but we just did not in almost any way. Good riddance, Larry of Arabia. 

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONIGHT TONIGHT! The Boys are crackerjack boom bap zapped to be talking about an absolute masterpiece, the 1961 Best Picture West Side Story, daddy-o. Stay cool. Zip. Pow. 

In this Balcony, when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awards a comedy, we salute and we stan. This is maybe the funniest Best Picture? It's certainly the funniest Best Picture winner of the first 33 Best Picture winners. This week, Billy and Seany borrow the keys to somebody else's balcony and have a little bit of fun with Billy Wilder's comedic masterpiece The Apartment. Holy lordy, insurance salesman are horny! This is a wonderful lil movie and at 2 hours and 4 minutes, it's a motherlovin' breeze! You could almost watch this in one sitting unless you have a baby bladder like the boys in the balcony. Take some time this week to enjoy some Jack Lemonade and let us be your disoriented and easily distracted guides through the hollowed grounds of cinema!

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears as we gather to examine the God William Wyler's final Best Picture winning film, the three hour and forty flipping minute epic Ben-Hur starring Charlton Heston or Phil Hartman doing an impression of Charlton Heston depending on your politics. Don't let the runtime of the movie fool you. This thing is a goddamn breeze. What a picture. We also spend half the time talking about Anatomy of a Murder cause that's also great. Movies are good, you clowns. Watch more movies.

Here's the thing, folks. Sometimes they get it wrong. Sometimes they get it wrong and there's just nothing you can do about it. The past is the past. You can dream, sure. You can sit around and think of all the hypotheticals... what if I could go back and kill baby Hitler? What if I could go back and slap the living shit out of Vincente Minnelli for even thinking about making this abomination? This is the worst best picture winner we have seen so far. It's yucky. I'd rather watch Gigli. 

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I'll dry them all
I'm on your side
Oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down
Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
Oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around

Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down
Like a bridge on the river kwai
I will lay me down

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge  on the river kwai

I will ease your mind
Like a bridge  on the river kwai
I will ease your mind

Guys, we fucked up and forgot to watch a movie but still wanted to bro down so enjoy!

Good morrow, weary traveller. Why not let down your load and let me tell you a tale (in real time!) of a man who travelled around the world in 80 days. By the time this film is over, your children will be resentful of how you spend your time. It's the 1956 Best Picture winner, Around the World in 80 Days! It's interminably long. It has all the charm of watching vacation photos from a person you hate. Keep an ear out for a very special guest this week in the Balcony! He's a little rascal but we love him! Cowabunga, hot air balloon enthusiasts!

Ladies and gentlemen, what was the Best Picture winner at the 1956 Academy Awards? Herb Stempel would have you think it's On the Waterfront because he's a fucking idiot and has no sense of cinematic history. The answer of course, is Marty. Lovable, fat, dog-faced Marty. A true dog. One of the doggiest dogs that ever dogged. On top, on bottom, from the front or the back, it's always doggystyle when Marty is involved. It's one of the most prestigious winners of all time, Marty, this week in the Balcony. 

Hey I could have been a contender! I could have been a something! Instead of a B.U.M. Equipment sales representative! Ladies and gentlemen, the boys went remote again cause of the gosh darn novel coronavirus variant number five or six at this point but fret not, it's a whole episode of chuckles and fuckles all about the best picture winner of 1954, the excellent anti-union propaganda piece, On the Waterfront, directed by actual dead snitch Elia Kazan. The tragic story of a guy who was afraid of collective bargaining, Kazan directed the movie also. I hate this paragraphs. Nobody reads them. I shoveled snow all morning and now I'm sitting here typing this shit out. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I had dreams of my name in lights, up on the stage, reciting some of the great dramatical works of the 20th century. I could have been a contender. I could have been a somebody instead of a B.U.M. Equipment sales representative. It's On the Waterfront!